


The Feeling We Once Had

by poisontaster



Series: Heart 'Verse [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Consensual Underage Sex, Established Relationship, Ficlet, M/M, Memories, POV Sam Winchester, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-07
Updated: 2009-05-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 20:19:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5679421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poisontaster/pseuds/poisontaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When was the first time Sam realized he's attracted to his brother?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Feeling We Once Had

**Author's Note:**

  * For [earthquakedream](https://archiveofourown.org/users/earthquakedream/gifts).



> Written for a prompt by earthquakedream.

The thing is, Sam's thought about it a lot.

Dean blames the succubus. When he's not busy blaming himself, anyway. But Dean's always thought it was the succubus. Sam's not so sure. He's not sure they weren't headed along this path all along and that the succubus just hurried along something that was always going to happen to them anyway. But Dean doesn't have the background to know all that, to have done the research. To know how an emotional circle made up of only three people doesn't generally lead anywhere good. Dean talks about how Sam didn't know anything else, but he usually forgets that _he_ doesn't know much else, either. Those four years in Lawrence sometimes seem like a whole lifetime, probably, but they're really not. Both Sam and Dean lived this life together.

Remembering the succubus, remembering what happened is hard. It's like trying to see something through curtains of fire, hazy and distorted and a heat that could peel the flesh from your bones. It's only a metaphysical heat, with a succubus, but it's still kind of the same. But Sam remembers knowing. Knowing, even as she plucked at their bones with want, with lust, that he didn't want Dean to go to her. That he wanted Dean to stay with _him_.

But when did it start? Where did it start? Was it then, that proto-flash of jealousy? _Was_ that even jealousy or was it just being the kid whose older brother was mostly his whole world and being too afraid to give it--him--up?

He was twelve then. Twelve the first time Dean touched him, wrapped his hand around little Sammy's cock. And it was good. It was so good, but Sam's not sure that was about Dean so much. He doesn't know what it was about, exactly, other than an itch in his bones he couldn't quite scratch on his own, but it doesn't seem like it was really about _Dean's_ hand, or Dean's body holding him up, or Dean's voice whispering in his ear, "I'll take care of you." It was just _need_.

And then things just kind of went on from there. Dean taking care of him and Sam letting him--wanting him to--and neither one of them thinking too much about it. Because it was a secret. Because it was something that was just theirs, that Dad couldn't mess up or yell about or take away. And it had been going on for a while before Sam realized that he was thinking about Dean all the time, even when he was by himself, even when it was just his hand around his cock.

But that didn't feel sudden. It didn't feel like a realization so much as classifying a feeling he'd _always_ been having; a love for his brother that got tangled up somewhere, took another route. He doesn't even think he realized how _weird_ it was, at first, that his brother would do that, or that Sam would let him. That Sam wanted to let him.

But that was around the time that Sam started faking it. Just a little. Faking that itch a little more than he actually needed to, scheming to get Dean to touch him just one more time. Sam's stomach would quake and burn with the fear that Dean would figure it out, that Dean would stop, that Dad would find out and put an end to it all, forever, but he didn't stop. And Dean never seemed to figure it out.

It took decades for Sam to realize that maybe Dean didn't want to. That Dean had wanted it just as bad, even then. So obvious in retrospect and so impossible then, when they were fighting so hard to hold on and not hold on.

Of course, that describes pretty much their whole relationship, right? Right. 


End file.
